I hope you die. I hope we both die.

This song says far too many things I am feeling right now.



I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come up with a failsafe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us
I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late
And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
And I never come back to this town
Again in my life
I hope I lie
And tell everyone you were a good wife
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow
I hope it bleeds all day long
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn't over
And I hope you blink before I do
Yeah I hope I never get sober
And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say
And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way
I am drowning
There is no sign of land
You are coming down with me
Hand in unlovable hand
And I hope you die
I hope we both die

Drunk

I am. I am so drunk. It is almost 5pm on Sunday afternoon. I have had the last week off work - I had surgery on my boob on Monday, and I thought I'd be all in pain. But actually, I felt nothing, all week. And when I say I felt nothing I mean, my brain felt nothing. My boob hurt a little from time to time but I just don't want to wake up anymore because I feel nothing - or too much.
I'm drinking this pretty bottle of red wine called Vampire, and that's the only reason I bought it.
I'm listening to the Mountain Goats and sitting in my room, which I moved around because I thought that might make me feel better. While I was moving it I temporarily forgot about how shit I feel, but now it's right back to normal. Only difference is now I can see the sky.
I feel so fucking terrible.
You know those moments where you just go "my life is going nowhere"?
And how you get really pissed at people who say that, because they could change it if they want to?
Well shut the fuck up.
I'm drunk.
Is it so much to ask to just get nailed like, once in a while?

Womb With A View

My boyfriend has been doing something lately that has been pissing me right off. So of course, I write a blog post about it, one which he will most likely never read, therefore avoiding any possible confrontation as I do best.
There are two things that he has been trying to CHANGE in me. I know you're all going "oh that's not cool, run girlfriend!" and yeah, I know it's insane, but I thought he was joking. I can't tell if he's joking anymore.

The first thing is that he's trying to make me eat bananas. I haven't eaten a banana since I was 5 years old, I remember the very last time. There was a boy in pre-school who had it in for me, and kept a banana in his lunchbox, the same banana, for an entire week, until it was brown and disgusting. Then one day he smooshed it all over my face. To make a sob story short, the smell of bananas makes me gag. I can tell if there's a piece of fruit that's been sitting NEXT to a banana. I can tell if groceries have been in the same bag as a banana. I can smell it on his breath when he's eaten bananas. I fucking loathe bananas.
But my boyfriend can't seem to understand this. "They're so good for you! They taste great! It's just a banana! Come on! If you just eat enough, you'll end up liking it."
No. I won't. I don't like bananas. They make me sick.
He's been trying really subtle sneaky shit, like buying banana bread, and telling me it's just some fancy cake. Of course, I can smell it before it's even in my mouth, so this never works.
But I just can't get why he would want me to eat bananas so badly. How is it impacting on him? PLEASE DEAR GOD, I DON'T WANT TO EAT ANY OF YOUR FREAKIN BANANAS.

Now that I've gone over that paragraph, it reads back to me like;
"Dear Agony Aunt. This friend of mine, well she um, her boyfriend keeps trying to pressure her to have butt sex. But she doesn't want butt sex. And well um, I just, I mean, my friend just wanted to know how to make him stop without actually giving in to the butt sex."
I promise you, it's not that. I love butt sex.

The other thing that pisses me off more than anything else in the entire world, is his insistence that I will someday have his children. Normally, I think this would make most girls go "awww that is so sweet, he's so committed to you!"
But he only wants me to have his children because he wants to, in his words "carry on his bloodline". Because you're just a sad nobody unless you have children to carry on your surname for years and years to come. No one will remember you unless they have your genetic spawn in their face reminding them about That Guy Who Used To Be Alive.
Not that doing anything with YOUR OWN LIFE would count towards people remembering you. Nope, all the many things, journeys, friends, deeds and creations you make throughout your life count for SHIT, who's going to remember that if you don't have any babies? I for one wouldn't know who the hell Kurt Cobain was if it wasn't for Frances-Bean being in the ladymags every day.

I'm not condemning anyone who does want to have babies, of course I've thought about having babies. Personally I've decided against having any of my own, for two reasons. One, I have a low pain threshold and I don't want to put my body through that shit when I can Two, adopt an already-alive child who doesn't have anyone to love them. I'm looking forward to being mature and established enough to be able to foster kids and work my way through an adoption process, which is daunting (and a very long way away in fantasy land). I don't know if my motives are fucked up but I don't want to do it so that I can have a brood of children to push my last name on and live on in my image. I want to give a home to someone who doesn't have one - and by home I mean someone who cares about them. I guess I just want to help the less fortunate more than I want to be a Mummy.

Of course, my boyfriend likes to counter this by telling me that sooner or later I'll get all clucky and change my mind, because my opinion on children is entirely at the whim of my hormones and you know those uterii, they'll make you CRAZY. And then I can carry on the bloodline just like he wants me to.

Colour me ambitious but I like to think that my life isn't entirely defined by my ability to produce spawn from my womb. Just like every other woman on the planet.

Free Stuff

Yay, vouchers and discounts and sales and FREE STUFF!

My company, Blueprint Technologies, is having a little promo for our online shop, linked with Prime Nightclub which just went off last weekend. All you have to do is sign up as a member of our online shop and you go in the draw to win a $50 voucher to spend there. Visit here for details.

Chemist Warehouse are doing a thing where if you become a member of THEIR online shop you get a $5 voucher to spend on any online purchase $25 or over. This is totally handy for me cause they are also super cheap so I can get my insanely expensive birth control from there. Check it out.

Coles Express have heaps of special offers at the moment, for fuel and food that you can find here but the one I'm trying tonight is free pies with a printed out voucher. It's not on the Special Offers section anymore, but it says the offer expires on July 19th so hopefully it'll still work. Voucher here.

Digital photo printing company Snapfish are doing a deal where you can get 50 prints for 1c each. Just go through the process and when you get to the checkout enter the coupon code 1CENTHPAU9. There's also a special offer for new members on the front page of their website.

Get a free movie pass from Hoyts cinemas for your birthday, all you have to do is join the Hoyts Club then wait till your birthday.

And finally, I haven't checked this one out yet but will when I get home, free downloads of a program called Anime Studio 5. Sounds kickass.

Stop using 'Rape' as a catch all verb

The word Rape means Rape. It does not mean "anything bad that happened to me".
Exams and assignments aren't capable of actually raping you. Inanimate objects and abstract ideas are not capable of raping you. One football team is capable of raping another football team, but saying that does not accurately describe what you meant to say, which is that one team won against the other in a game. A GAME. FOR FUN.

From 'Rape is Not Only Hilarious; It's No Big Deal';

Rape is a big deal, and the very least we can do for those who have suffered its excruciating indignity is talk about it with the honesty and gravity it deserves.

Once Again: Rape Is Not Your Personal Metaphor

Rape Culture: Still Not Funny

Passive Aggression: Foregrounding The Object

The Sunset Tree

I was reminded today of one of my favourite albums of all time - The Sunset Tree by The Mountain Goats.


I'm pretty sure everybody has that one album, or if you don't like to narrow it down, that one band that got them through a hard time. I have a lot of music that's attached to different memories, and while The Smiths, Jeff Buckley and The Cure each got me through various hard times, and during the most recent Hard Time, this one album pulled me through. I appreciate every single lyric, the way the album flows, every song is perfect in its place.

I'm quite sure everybody knows The Mountain Goats from the time that Triple J relentlessly played one single - This Year - which is certainly a bit of an anthem for the down-and-out.
"I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me".
I lived by that chorus for a long time. I'm going to sound cliche now and say that the album is really best listened to complete and in place and bla bla bla it's a journey, wank over.

Here's one of my favourite songs on the album although it's insanely hard to choose just one, this one is called Dilaudid.



Late last year I had the immense pleasure of seeing The Mountain Goats play at the Zoo and it was pretty moving. The lead singer John Darnielle played the first half of the set acoustic on his own, and unfortunately in the second half told us he had the flu and stepped down to let the bassist sing. But that didn't matter because the second half was rockin and the crowd was singing along loud enough that it eclipsed his voice - you could really tell from the very last song they played - No Children - that this band means a lot to a lot of people.


Check out this photoset I took from the night, and lastly I hope you get a little bit of joy from No Children too. Get rowdy!

In Your Head

I wish you would, could listen to me. I wish we could have a double-sided discussion, an open conversation, a talk where we were both contributing, and both listening.
I know that you 'aren't capable'. It's part of your Asperger's, you have no empathy, there is no reciprocity, you really just aren't interested in anything I have to say, and that doesn't mean anything to you. I listen to everything you tell me, all the things that mean nothing to me, all the things I'm not interested in, I ask you questions, I let you tell me, I let you know I've HEARD you. Because I know that's all I want. That's all anyone wants, when they share something. To be heard.
And to tell the truth, I love listening to you talk, even about all the things that go way over my head. I am interested in the things you talk about, because I want to have something to talk about with you. I love seeing your eyes light up while you're explaining something and watching things tick over in your head, and more than anything else in the world I love it when you laugh.

But I try to tell you about things I'm interested in and you go blank. You look away, you don't acknowledge me, you don't reply. Sometimes you don't even answer, or you answer back with something unrelated, and I know you weren't listening. It's why when I'm upset I shut my mouth and just cry, no matter how many times you ask what's wrong, I feel physically unable to speak. Because what's the use in saying anything if no one is listening?

I know it's not your fault. For the most part I don't think about it, this huge part of you, the reason you are the way you are. I used to think about it all the time and it hurt me so much because I couldn't understand why you couldn't just be NORMAL. I tried for so long to figure out what you were thinking, or how I could fix things, or why you thought that way, how I could make you understand me. But then I realised you are normal. You are you. Nothing's going to change, because you are you and that's that.
For the most part I try take you as you are, day by day, and I love you because I think you are perfect. I think how lucky I am that you come to me, and I'm the one you share things with.
But sometimes you say something, or you say nothing at all, and it stops me in my tracks that I can feel so alone while with you. I hate those moments when I'm reminded that we are so far apart from each other, alone together.

I wish I could be inside your head and I wish you could know me.

Distortion

I didn't believe him when he told me, but then I'd always been skeptical of the things Paul came out with. Like the time he called me excited in the middle of the night, assuring me we could get high by mixing enough nutmeg into boiling water. We both threw up for hours and felt nothing.
There was the time he showed up at my house with a packet of Homebrand poppy seeds intent on brewing his own opium tea. Seeds got stuck in our teeth, and we felt nothing.
Paul was a big-time stoner, regularly spending entire days from morning till night stoned, going to school stoned, going to sleep stoned. It was his normal state of being. Regardless, he was always looking for other things to smoke, eat, lick, sniff, ingest, always trying to get higher.
I think it haunted him, that the outcome of all his adventures into mind-altering substances produced exactly what he was running from. He felt nothing.

Paul had started dabbling in music and had picked up a guitar like all adolescents do at some point. He stuck with it and became surprisingly proficient. I think it was the first time he'd ever succeeded at something. He started hanging with the music kids at school, and he'd brag to me when he saw me that they had the Best Weed.
But I knew Paul better than that, and I knew he was still looking.

For a while we didn't speak, I immersed in my study, and Paul, I imagined, immersed in his music. Then he came to my house again in the middle of the night, as was his style. He rapped on my window, holding his guitar in one hand, with a backpack slung over one shoulder. He looked different. He sounded different. There was some new quality to him that I couldn't quite identify, something I'd never encountered before but something that wasn't entirely human. Perhaps that is too foreboding a thing to say, but I'd never seen anyone look and talk the way Paul did. At first glance he looked as normal as ever, but if I stared too long I felt that the lines of his face, the angles of his body, the surface of his skin had deviated.
When he spoke, his voice reminded me of television static, crossed telephone lines, radio feedback, garbled and metallic and crowded.
In this new tin static voice he told me he'd found it, the thing he was looking for, the rush. He wanted to show me.
He pulled a miniature amp from his backpack, and cables and plugged them all into his guitar. His eyes flickered strangely as he moved about the room. Pushing me onto the bed, he told me to relax and listen. The strings hummed, and he began to play the guitar softly. I felt nothing. I looked up at him impatiently. Did he mean for me to fawn over his playing skills?
He saw my impatience and emitted a crackled laugh. He moved to his backpack and brought out a pedal, and plugged another lead in. The other end of the lead, he placed in my hand, and as he closed my palm around it I felt a soft vibration from his skin. His whole body seemed to hum to me.
He winked at me in a second that felt like several fragmented moments, then jammed his foot down on the pedal.

Buckling Warped Bent Collapsing in on me Contorting around me. Disfiguring Crushing Changing Whipping Shaping Screaming Curving Bloating Laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

I felt distortion.

Sick of your Shitty Movies, Hollywood

I think I am the only person in the world who does not want to see The Hangover. My boyfriend asked me to go, telling me that apparently it's a critically acclaimed comedy, people are going wild over it! That's great dear, and I'm sure other people may find it funny, I'm sure I may even find parts of it funny if I switched off my brain for a while.
The thing is, I'm really not in the mood, ever, to pay money to sit in front of a screen for two hours being assaulted with the Bromosocial way of life, that ideally does not include women. The only women ever involved in these bullshit identical movies that have been spewed forth in a steady vile stream over the past few years are as such;

1. The Mommy-Wife. She nags, she's whiny, she's generally 50% hotter than the husband she is married to, just wants him to do things like "grow up" and "get a job" and "contribute to the relationship" and all those stupid things that only girls do.
2. The Manic Pixie Dream Girl-type Lady. She's quirky and pretty and wears funny clothes and does CRAZY things like; jumps off cliffs into the sea, makes main-character-dude go run out in the rain, laughs at all his jokes, never ever judges a thing he says, politely accepts when he cheats on her.
3. The Ugly/Fat/Old/Drunk Whore. Ew! She's ugly! She's so fat! She's so drunk! She's a "cougar"! One of the main dude characters will have sex with her anyway, but EW! As if anyone would want to put their penis in that! Even though I clearly did!

Chicks in these movies are basically only there to present the main dudebro with the opportunity to learn his big life lesson at the end of the movie where he realises something along the lines of; "Wow, I am a giant turdmonster whose life is a cesspool of idleness. I will make this tiny change and voila, I now have the perfect dudebro life." Cue entire cast singing in rainbow world, or all the main characters circle-jerking about what awesome friends they are. We've come so far, and learnt so much!

So...no, I don't want to watch a movie about dudes, and why chicks are gross, cause they have vaginas, and vaginas are totally gross, but we'll fuck them anyway, and man don't you hate it when your wife nags you, and haha, look at that fat whore. And you know what's funny? PENIS!LOL!

In other news;

• You can have a read of what Sady at Tiger Beatdown has to say about the Hangover.
• Check out the trailer for Woody Harrelson's awesome new zombie movie, Zombieland.
• In case anyone doesn't know, I have an obsession with all things Frankenstein, and I found this the other day - Bride of Frankenstein-inspired nude pinup. NSFW Obviously.
• Short zombie film, I Love Sarah Jane, starring the girl who's playing Alice in Tim Burton's new Alice in Wonderland.
• Monster Island is a serialized online novel about, you guessed it, zombies.
  
• More pimping for Prime geek nightclub which is coming up fast on the 11th of July.
• And one last one, if you're interested in watching movies that don't rely on casual misogyny for laughs, give the Bechdel Test a try. It involves watching only movies that fit the following criteria:

1. It has to have at least two women in it,
2. Who talk to each other,
3. About something besides a man.

I aim to give it a go....Will require some research beforehand though.

Oh and for anyone who is close to me/cares, I got booked in for my surgery on the 20th July, and will be out of commission for a week after that. So if you wanna come round and give me casseroles, flowers, massages, cupcakes, ponies, rainbows or just treats in general, I would like that.

RIP Michael

Prime Nightclub Pimping

Prime Nightclub is being organised by my friends Chani (@scribewraith) and Disa (@atratus_rowena) and I'd like to spread the word a bit because I'm insanely excited about it.
I met up with Chani tonight to grab some flyers from her to spread around town so if you're interested, please let me know so I can get one to you. My boyfriend drew the art for them and I'd also like to get his work seen - he's a comic artist, currently working on creating a portfolio site which I'll give some blog-love to when it's up and running. I'm not just saying it cause I love him and get to see him naked, but he really is the most awesome artist ever. Way better than you, anyway.

Prime is being held on Saturday 11th July at the Shafston Hotel in East Brisbane from 8pm until 2pm. It will be 18+ and ID will be required as there is booze and there is an $8 cover charge. The Shafston Hotel is on the corner of Lytton and Wellington Roads. It looks like buses 235 and 475 will get you there, or you can take the CityCat to the Mowbray Park Ferry Terminal.

It will basically be a nightclub for geeks. There will be PC's and plasma TV's set up with consoles for gaming, music all night, a little tiny bit of dancing. At least, everyone will probably stand around watching my friend Pan dance. If you do not know or have not seen Pan dance before, please watch the video below....



Pan and my boyfriend Aaron will be DJing so I'm guessing the music will be a mixture of Oingo Boingo, They Might Be Giants, Talking Heads, lots and lots from the 80s, plus a little punk, goth and maybe some old Eurovision pop in there. Like this song...



I was talking with Chani about whether it would be cool for people to bring their laptops in case there's WiFi, and little LAN parties could get going - she's not sure if there is WiFi there, so if you're interested and would love to game while you're there, keep an eye out on their twitter for more updates as the night draws closer.
She's also said there will be some giveaways, games, comics, books, CD's. Awesome.

If you aren't convinced yet then I give up on you.

Follow Prime on Twitter.

Sunday is Gloomy

I'm having a wonderful rainy Sunday, finally having a chance to just lie in bed drinking tea and spending some quality time with my friend, the Internet.
Some things coming up soon:

• Tomorrow I'm having the last of my tattoo inked in, it will finally be fully coloured and come to life. Not really looking forward to being in pain for another four days or so, but them's the breaks.
• Thursday I have an appointment up at the hospital to assess my health and put me on the list to have surgery to have the lump removed from my boob. The doctor I'm seeing is Dr Christopher Pike, which pleases me no end. One beep for yes, two beeps for no.
• July 4th I will be working at the Paniyiri Greek festival on at Musgrave Park, South Brisbane, cleaning up plates of octopus, half-eaten honey puffs and red wine. It's going to be disgusting, but I'll be rich by the end of it.
• July 11th is Prime Nightclub at the Shafston Hotel in East Brisbane, from 8pm till 2am and it is going to be AWESOME. My friends Chani and Disa are running it and if you want more info check out their twitter stream here: @PrimeBrisbane

I went to a party last night at Chani's house to celebrate the Solstice - longest night of the year. She has a party every year where everyone stays up all night having fun. I lasted till about 2am before me and my boyfriend cabbed it home. I'm so not up for late nights anymore. It gets to about 1am and I just can't be bothered staying awake anymore. It's not like when I was 14 and drinking a cup of coffee every hour just so we could stay up to watch the sun rise. The sun rise is no fun anymore.

I have been considering having my own clothes swap party after having a great time at @definatalie's a few weeks back and scoring some excellent new clothes when I really needed them. I'm just having a bit of trouble with deciding who to invite. The whole point of the party that I liked the most was the body-positivity aspect, a safe space to grab some clothes that make you feel good and get rid of the ones that don't. I'm kind of afraid that I won't be able to get that point across to the people that I do want to invite - and I'm not sure some of them would understand it. I'm afraid to throw a party where people will come along and feel bad about their bodies, cause that's the exact opposite of what I want.

Anyway, I feel like making cupcakes and playing with my rat, so here are some obligatory zombie links for ye.

Undead Barbie
A giant list of zombie rhymes
Zombie Apocafest Lego festival set on flickr - awesome! Need to go out and get myself some Lego.
Zombie High Heels

And finally, please enjoy the shit out of this AMAZING claymation zombie film. It's actually really creepy and the goriest thing ever! Youtube user takena has heaps more bloody claymation movies on his channel, check them out!

Workworkwork

I know I haven’t blogged in ages and I suck. I’m sorry. I’ve been really busy at work lately which is awesome and makes me happy. My position is changing so now not only am I doing my current job which is sort of administration/personal assistant to everyone/lackey but I’m also doing sales and quoting now which is a whole new skill set I’m not used to but I’m enjoying learning. I have lots more to fill my days with!

I was just asked to have a look at creating a corporate blog for our company so now I’m all excited because I love more responsibility and being able to do something I know.
And then I researched it and realized how very little I know about creating websites so I’m looking for lots and lots of suggestions.
Specifically, if you’re interested in helping me out, please leave me a comment answering any or all of the following questions….

What corporate/business blogs do you visit that really stand out to you, and what are the features that keep you interested and coming back, what use do you get from them?

What kind of posts would you be most interested in reading on a business blog?

What do you NOT enjoy seeing on business or corporate blogs?

Lastly does anyone have a WordPress blog? I’m considering starting one up and maybe moving over there – I like the look of the site and lots of the features there, it seems a lot more in-depth and customizable than Blogger here.

Comments may be redeemable for cupcakes. Please contact me for further information.

Books

I've been taking a blogging & internet vacation lately, because I'm too stressed to talk about anything other than my problems, and I'm too caught up in my own problems to look at other blogs or care about what other people are doing.
To wind down every night I watch a couple episodes of The Office because mama needs her stories and I just can't get over how awesome it is to watch Jim & Pam.

The other night I finally took the time to watch No Country For Old Men and I wish I hadn't waited so long because it's shot straight into my All Time Top Five Favourites. I need to get my hands on a copy of the book - so if you can help out, please do.

I went to the Lifeline Bookfest today and here's what I scored:
The Incredible Melting Man by Phil Smith - exactly what it sounds like.
The Change by George C. Foster - a sci-fi novel exploring the ramifications of a world where humans begin to grow younger instead of older.
Red Sonja - fuck yeah. Anyone else excited for the new Rodriguez movie coming out starring Rose McGowan?
The Jewels of Aptor by Samuel R. Delany - Some guy, in some world, somewhere in the universe, does something. I don't know, but I've been wanting to read some Delany.
The Funhouse by Owen West - Horror in a circus sideshow.
The Furies by Keith Roberts - Atomic war on earth breeds giant wasps with bloodlust.
Tron by Brian Daley - TRON!!!
Looking For Jake by China Mieville - Mieville is supposed to be a super awesome author, and I've tried to read him before but he writes epic things I just can't get behind. This one is a set of short stories so I'll start out this way.
Others & Shrine by James Herbert - Supposed to be one of the best horror writers ever. Time to give him a go, also, people with the last name Herbert seem to be great sci-fi/horror writers.
Also got two big horror anthology books, and one novel (Surrender the Pink) by CARRIE FISHER! I love you Carrie Fisher.

What's your favourite horror novels, authors, movies?

Now it's Office time, but I'll end by showing this awesome No Country related video I just found. Laugh. Enjoy yourself.

Worst Wednesday Ever

My apologies for not posting in a while - my net got capped last week, work has been ultra busy and today has joined the other nominees in the election of Worst Day of My Life.
I will give a few brief reasons before I move on to just link-spamming, posting this, and going to sleep. It's not even 6pm. I'm done with today.

• Our job positions are changing at work and I had to spend time training. It was godawful.
• Somehow nothing I did was good enough and my boss (dad) was treating me like an idiot.
  
• I have the worst period cramps ever. No amount of painkiller will help. I also have a ginormous headache that just won't go away.
  
• I just got my tattoo re-inked on Monday, so that is also swollen, painful and itchy.
• I swapped desks with someone, and in the process I started to smell real bad. I didn't take any deoderant to work.
• I had to spend hours going back over a convoluted spreadsheet because I wasn't given the correct information the first time.
• Around the end of the day I received a phone call from my doctor's surgery to say that my pap smear test had come back with an abnormal reading. I didn't even listen at the time, just booked another appointment. It wasn't until I started walking home that I realised what that means. Bit of a shock.

AND NOW, TO DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION ELSEWHERE, SOME LINKS!

If you're in Brisbane and free on Saturday 20th June you should definitely come to the Dead of Winter Festival at the Jubilee Hotel in the Valley because it will be a full day of bands, booze, burlesque, market stalls and horror movies. Dude. That rules. Check out their myspace page if you dare.

You can read the first chapter of author S.G. Browne's zombie romantic comedy called Breathers here. I read it and it wins my seal of approval - perhaps I may even buy the book. It seems in Browne's zombie world, when you turn into a zombie it's like turning into a "lower class" of people. You can still talk and think and love - you're just filthy cause you eat brains.

The Black Cherry Bombshells is an awesome comic about chicks who kill zombies. Are you guys sensing a theme here too? It's available to read online.

Oh, holy crap, THIS one rules - It's a company called MotoArt who create wicked furniture out of used airplane parts. Yeah. Dude. I'm not saying anyone reading this will be able to afford any of that furniture, but you should click on that link just so you can drool over the thought of having a wing-table. Or an engine-desk.

Inner City Snail. It's awesome.

The trailer for the film adaption of Cormac McCarthy's awesome book The Road. It has sweet sweet Viggo Mortensen *drool*.



Also one last one from Shakesville's Feminism 101 to shut you up if you were thinking of telling me maybe I'm only having a bad day cause I'm on the rag. Cause I already had one person tell me that today, and the only thing their mother has left to bury is a skin-sack.

Goodnight!

STFU

Of course I apologise! No, of COURSE it is MY fault that everything in your life is so terrible, of course it is my doing that you hate your job and you can't get a girlfriend. Of COURSE I will take responsibility for other people treating you like shit and for when your housemates piss you off. No, it was obvious how I was directly involved in all of the events that made you upset and you should definitely take it all out on me because I just deserve it for being such a terrible person. Only a terrible person would listen to you every single time you want to cry about how terrible your life is - which is every time you open your mouth. Only a terrible person would invite you to do things with them and endure not only being turned down but berated for wanting to do such a ridiculous, stupid thing. Only a terrible person would always stick by you just watching you do NOTHING and continue to complain about it. I guess I'm a fucking terrible person.

Thursday Confession

Thursday Confession
In which I try to reveal one of my obsessions, secrets, stupid kinks about myself that I wouldn't otherwise talk about in normal conversation.

I have an intense obsession with Medusa.
In Greek mythology, Medusa was one of the three Gorgon sisters - the other two being Stheno and Euryale. They are described thus:
Near them their sisters three, the Gorgons, winged
With snakes for hair— hated of mortal man—

In Ovid's Metamorphoses is it said that originally Medusa was beautiful and lived as a priestess in the goddess Athena's temple, but became filled with rage and hatred for men after she was raped by Poseidon in the temple. Athena effects a punishment upon Medusa, transforming her hair to snakes and disfiguring her face with blind fury so that any man who looks upon it will be turned to stone. It's good to see victim-blaming was alive and well back in BC.
The gorgons are conversely described as either being of monstrous form, or as beautiful as they are terrifying. I prefer the latter description.

In the tale, Perseus is sent by the his future father-in-law King Polydectes to retrieve Medusa's head as a gift. He travels to the island where the Gorgons live, and is aided by Athena and Hermes, who each give him magical swords, shields and the like as Gods tend to do. Perseus eventually decaptitates Medusa by looking at her reflection in his shield as he cuts off her head. He puts it in a sack and takes it back to the King. The sight of Medusa's terrible severed head turns the King to stone, Perseus' mother is saved, all is right with the world, some people go off and marry their mother, Zeus rapes a few more women, some guy travels to the ends of the earth for no reason, more women are condemned to Hades, the world keeps spinning and the heavens are still held on the shoulders of Atlas.
Athena is given the head of Medusa and attaches it to her shield, the Aegis, and by this time I think it's safe to say Athena is a stone cold bitch. But that's a post for another time.

While there are a lot of things to despise about this tale - punishing a victim for her rape, having her killed - the idea of Medusa is so alluring and so powerful that I can't help but love it. Even if she is murdered in the end, her power never dies. She is the personification of female power and raw fury. So gaze upon her.

Stay tuned for posts on Athena and Persephone!
Please leave a comment if you wish me to explore any other awesome woman figures in mythology - Greek, Roman, Celtic, Norse, I love them all.

Double Clicking the Mouse

One of the people I follow on twitter, msnaughty, posted this awesome video of euphemisms for female masturbation sometime last week I think it was and I wanted to share it and some linkage to other sexy stuff on teh intarwebs. The thing I love most about this video is the totally smug music. It's not pretending to be something it ain't. Hehe...Taint.
Can you guess them all?



I'm going to follow this up by talking about how much I dearly, dearly love and am crushing on the beautiful Violet Blue, who is an author, blogger, sex educator, reporter, columnist, artist and my biggest crush. You should visit her site full o' porn, interesting blog posts, her podcasts and videos and links to multiple places on the web where she is present. And she really is a gift. I look forward to the day I have enough money to buy some of her books - I listened to one of her podcasts on the peak-hour train the other morning where she narrated some Peter Pan themed erotic fiction. It was awesome, and I sat there wondering if I'm the only person who would listen to erotica in peak-hour on the train. I think I probably am.

Here's a sweet listicle from io9.com of 10 authors who put sex in their sci-fi, because I'm sure you all love to read about aliens getting it on as much as I do.

Here's the hottest thing I've ever seen, a Fight Club themed set on Suicide Girls which has a permanent place in my bookmarks list, and my heart. I don't know about anyone else, but I went through a pretty intense Fight Club obsession a few years ago, and I kind of ruined both the movie and book for myself because I read it too often, and spent two weeks watching the movie twice every night. Sometimes in slow-mo.

If you're living in Brisbane and interested in burlesque, head to Scoundrelles in the Valley. A couple of my twitter friends take classes there and hearing all the talk of it makes my heart weep because I seriously cannot afford it. This also stays on my bookmark list for later on in the year, when my all my wishful thinking magically turns into more money!

One for the girls that I found the other day which RULES - you know we all put stuff in our bras, like coinage, bus tickets, paper money, cards, keys, vodka bottles, trinkets, shoplifted goods, bottles of sauce, tissues, deoderant cans and small mammals? Well now you can by a Rack Trap and it fits in your bra real easy so you don't have to go digging deep in front of complete strangers when you lose your $2 coin!

One last link - I was going to do an entire post about my large collection of vibrators, but I figured that might make everyone a little uncomfortable, and normally I'm totally into making people uncomfortable, but I also thought it might make people a little jealous. So instead I'm just going to show you the vibrator that I want more than anything in this world, and maybe, just *maybe* some kind sugar daddy will buy it for me, no strings attached.
BEHOLD, the SaSi!
Watch Zara from ShinyShiny.tv do a review of the most amazing and intelligent vibrator ever created.



So if I end this post by saying - love yourselves and each other - you know what I mean right?

Link Comes to Town Monday

I haven't blogged for a bit because I've been a mixture of all the bad feelings you can have, including but not limited to - pissed off, let down, angry, full of rage, anxious, nervous, worried, fearing for my life, depressed, not wanting to wake up, frazzled, stressed out and did I mention full of rage? That's the feeling I have most. I see red, I see red, I see red.
If anyone has any tips on how to manage anger, other than fucking "count to ten", advice would really be appreciated, because the crescent-shaped scabs on my palms from where my fingernails cut in when I clench my fists are getting really itchy, and my jaw just won't unclench.
ANYWAY! In other news, I just cut my hair, I have a face mask on, I did a whole lot of fucking around today for no reason at all, I was supposed to get my tattoo finished but it's not healed enough yet, I am reading this book about parents who killed their baby girl and it gave me nightmares, I don't think I will have enough money to buy any food this week, and I really hope things are gonna turn out alright but if they don't I can always sell my organs for profit.

Now onto the links!
Earlier last week I made some tweets about what to do in the event that Brisbane's torrential rain and flooding would be the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, and they seemed to be a hit, so if you would like to further create your plans for the end of days, I suggest you check out the Zombie Survival & Defense Wiki and you might live longer than most.

I've been listening to podcasts on the train to & from work lately because it blocks out the sound of all those people just talking and talking and one I particularly like is the New Yorker Fiction Podcast - where authors read out other author's short stories, and it's soothing and there are some EXCELLENT stories, like Shirley Jackson's The Lottery.

Because all I've been doing lately is playing Left 4 Dead (no really, it's ALL I've been doing) and talking about zombies, I'm sure you guys would appreciate as much as me this awesome post on i09.com from last year about Zombie Feminism. As if you even need any more convincing to read it than the title. ZOMBIE FEMINISM.

Speaking of Left 4 Dead, I hate vans.

One for the poorer among us, CookingByNumbers.com is a site where you put a tick in the boxes next to everything you have in your cupboard and it gives you a recipe.

Aaand Cooking Conversions, for when you get recipes given to you with annoying imperial measurements.

I went to a mini twitter meetup on Sunday afternoon at the Fox Hotel for $2 steaks and here's a little flickr photoset to show you just how annoying I can be with a camera.

OMGBREAKINGNEWS I'm talking to my brother on MSN right now and he just sent me this link and HOLYSHIT: Beard.

I will try to write more. I've been trying to do other things more, like read and draw and play video games, so it takes my mind away from my blog. So keep reading, and sending your love down that well.

Women can be misogynists too

After all the discussion of (yes I am bring it up once again) the crazy footballer sex/rape/whatevershutup saga, the one thing people keep talking about are the ugly attitudes emerging from people in regards to women...rape...sluts. And the one thing that keeps being said is "I can't believe these attitudes are coming from so many other women".
At first I was a little shocked too, possibly because I only ever discuss these topics in my online bubble of the feminist blogosphere so I guess I'm not used to being faced with "dissenting opinion" that is so incredibly WRONG. But the thing that you forget when you only ever talk to people who agree with your views is that women can be misogynists just as much or more than men.

Here's a quote from a Feminism 101 post at Shakesville that explains why women can be misogynists (do I really have to urge you to read the whole post?):
"Men and women are misogynist for different reasons: men to marginalize women, and women to ingratiate themselves with the men trying to marginalize them. Neither one is justifiable, but one is oppressive and the other is a (bad) strategy to deal with that oppression."

I agree completely with this sentiment and I can say that looking back on my younger self I can say for sure that I was a misogynist. I was told all my life that Real Girls (TM) only like pink, at school they play netball and they're not allowed to wear the same uniform as boys, and at lunch time they have to all sit around talking while the boys get to play. I internalised that I wasn't a Real Girl (TM) because I didn't like Britney Spears, and I liked my hair short and I kicked ass at soccer and because I would ride my bike with the boys. As I got older I realised that now instead of being indifferent to me, all the other girls had started to hate me for some unknown reason. I got enough teasing to last me a lifetime from boys, but mostly from girls, so I spent most of my school years avoiding girls, hating them because they all got to be perfect Real Girls while I was some kind of in-between, there was no way that I could possibly be a Real Girl, how could I be without compromising and giving up everything I liked?
But that's bullshit. There is obviously no definition for a Real Girl, no matter what society tells us - we are all Real Girls, let's just say by virtue of being a living breathing entity who was born/is transitioning to a woman. When I learnt this, I felt like a completely different person. I stopped defensively hating all those girls who I didn't even know, and the more I made friends with other girls I realised that none of them were those perfect pink Real Girls - they were all just like me, and often just as confused. We can't sabotage each other to earn the approval of the patriarchy - whether we will admit that is the reason we are doing it or not.
Again from the Shakesville post:
"Men not being sexist shouldn't be contingent upon women not being misogynist. They should stop being misogynist just because it's the right thing to do... One thus sees that if the men who are misogynists weren't, the women who are misogynists wouldn't have any reason to be. Ergo, exhorting women to stop being misogynists so that men will stop gets it precisely backwards."

So the word I saw most used by misogynist women in regards to the footballer bullshit was the word Slut, and to be honest I've seen it used enough times in the past week to never want to hear or see it again. The word slut is a derogatory, insulting word used to offend promiscuous women - it's original uses also had connotations of a slut being a lowly, dirty person. This has not changed. Please don't try to tell me that calling a man a slut is the same thing, because it's really not, and if you want to argue that, go somewhere else.
It is women who are demonised for being promiscuous. Promiscuous, by the way, means having sexual relations with a number of partners on a casual basis, or being indiscriminate. Promiscuity is subjective - what may seem to you like an 'unreasonable' number of people to sleep with (let's say, two) is small fries for someone else, your taboo is someone else's fetish. Not to mention that women's sexuality is regarded as non-existent, or "receiving" of men's sexuality - and any woman daring to own or promote her sexuality is publicly dragged over the coals. Since promiscuity is subjective, there is no accurate scale for what is "too much" and there is no way you can ever call someone a slut and hide behind the excuse that she slept with "too many people". What you've just done is compared someone else's sexuality to your own and judged it to be immoral and inferior. Since when did a stranger's sexual life have any bearing on your own though?
This whole bullshit-explosion lately has made me think about these two issues and I really hope anyone reading this takes a moment to think about all the times they have hated a woman or used the word slut (or bitch, or cunt for the matter) and perhaps think twice next time you find yourself saying/feeling it, and try to examine why you're doing it.
It's hard enough to get by in the world just doing your own thing, and it's even harder when people are judging you unfairly for it.

Mid Morning Slacking

Holy crap the guy who lives next door to our office has the most beautiful afro I have ever seen. It's all surfer-blonde and gigantic and I think he pins back the front of it. This morning he came outside to say hi to me when he'd just woken up and it was this gigantic mess of curls and I didn't think it was possible to be in love with someone's HAIR, but well...I'm a believer.
He's a strange guy - when he talks to you, even if he's being nice, there's always an air of condescension to every sentence, even if he's just telling you to have a nice day. You can almost hear the silent "you asshole" at the end of that greeting.

I am having a super money freak-out this morning because I got so many bills and things to pay for and it's stressing me the fuck out. I do not earn enough money to cover all the things that need to be covered. I'm grabbing at straws here.
In case anyone is interested, ebay has zero insertion fees for auctions starting at 99 cents until May 30. I like to wait until they have specials like this, then sell off all my old coats, shoes, bags that don't fit or I don't use. I prefer it to giving them to lifeline, because you can usually make a few bucks off these things instead of nothing.
If you've never sold on ebay before, it's incredibly easy, don't be afraid. And if you want to sell stuff but you're still afraid, I'm willing to do it for you for commission. Yes I am that in need of money.

Tomorrow morning I have a biopsy scheduled for the lump in my boob (read this if you don't know what I'm talking about). Luckily it is bulk-billed, but it's probably going to be useless anyway, because regardless of what the outcome is I'm going to request it be surgically removed cause it is pissing me off. Hopefully that can be bulk-billed too but somehow I doubt that.

Yesterday I went on a podcast downloading spree and this morning on the train I listened to Bitch Magazine's podcast which was delightful. It consisted of people reading out letters, articles and reviews from the magazine, so it covered a few different topics and the presenters had soothing voices. They only have three podcasts so far and I'll definitely be looking forward to their new ones. If you're interested in a feminist look at pop culture, check it out. They are also on twitter.

I have a bit of a meatier post in mind to write tonight, but for now I have to get back to work. Please check back later because I have a few words to say about a topic that's been niggling at me for a while.
Be kind to yourselves...and each other ;)

Monday Links

I had my hours cut at work a few weeks ago and I'm back to 30 p/week. I get Mondays off, so I no longer dread waking up on Mondays. Cause I don't usually wake up until it's half way over!
In light of my great fortune (or misfortune, if you wanna look at it in the way that I lost half my job) I've decided each Monday to share with you some of the awesome links I've found in recent days. So check it.

Probably my favourite and the most well-written post I've read regarding the ongoing NRL saga everyone's talking about, written by monkeytypist: "You can't expect men to..."

An old post at Hoyden about Town titled "Nice Guys (TM) redux and what makes an ideal husband and father" about how the minimum standards of being a civilised human somehow equals an ideal husband and father.

Derailing for Dummies: Making discrimination easier! 'A simple step-by-step guide for derailing conversations by dismissing and trivialising your opposition's perspective and experience. Just some of the many issues you can apply it to: sexism, whorephobia, racism, transphobia, classism, homophobia, ableism, kinkphobia, fatphobia. Guaranteed, you can use it to marginalise anyone!'

This Aussie short indie zombie film from Sundance 2008 that I am in LOVE with and have watched about ten times now. It is called I Love Sarah Jane and it's about ten minutes long and so worth your time. It's actually really heartbreaking and cute.

Definatalie on twitter reminded me how much I love hula hooping and also saddened me because I can't at the moment while my tattoo is healing (it's on my hip). If you're interested in hooping, have a look at these sites...
Instructions for making your own hoop
Online store for hoops and hoop tape
Bunny Hoopstar's site, she's one of the most famous hoopers in Australia - also where I bought my awesome, high quality hoop that's lasted me for years.



Anyone who owns pet rats or is considering getting an awesome pet ratty, head on over to The Dapper Rat, who have the best information and pics on the whole wide intarwebs. Everything from how to set up a cage, ideas for food, health issues for rats, ideas for making your own rat-toys and how to keep your ratties happy.

With all the awesomeness of the new Star Trek movie (which fucking ruled, AMIRITE) I believe y'all should get your drink on with this awesome Star Trek Drinking game which I plan to test out the next time I can actually afford some booze. Highly logical.

This set on flickr from user sajbrfem where she's made a batch of FEMINIST COOKIES that you can give out to those who really deserve it. Oh you think women are people? Have a cookie! You aren't a rapist? Have a cookie! You have female friends? Have a cookie!

And last but not least, I've been listening to Dresden Dolls all day, and someone reminded me yesterday how much I used to be obsessed with Rocky Horror. To the point where all I wanted to do when I grew up was play Magenta/Columbia in a stage show. Still have to work on that. Anyway, to satiate my needs, I've been listening to this non stop: Amanda Palmer playing Science Fiction Double Feature.

Enjoy my lovelies.

Boobs

Hi guys! In this post, I will let the entire internet know about my intimate medical history! WOOH!

I have an extremely large lump in my left breast, about 3 centimetres in diameter. I have small boobs, so it's really not hard to find, it's pretty much THERE. Sometimes, especially around my period, it starts to hurt a lot, or when I wear push-up bras too many days in a row. Lately it's been giving me some pretty extreme pain - I can't sleep on my left side anymore and if I get hugged too hard, I wince.
I got it checked out about 3 years ago - I had an ultrasound and also a biopsy, which involved a doctor shooting a giant needle gun into my boob, while I got to watch on the ultrasound screen.
It turns out what I have is called a Fibroadenoma - or what my doctor called a "breast mouse", because sometimes they can move around in your boob. Wiki says fibroadenoma is a benign, painless, firm, solitary, mobile, slowly growing tumor found in the breast of women of child-bearing age. If they are small and not causing discomfort, doctors will mostly recommend leaving it where it is and as mine put it all those years ago "forgetting about it". I was only told that if it changes or gets bigger, get it checked out again. So this morning I had another ultrasound and next week I will be having another biopsy. I am most likely going to request that it be surgically removed because it really is too big for me to be comfortable with, and causing me pain. Unfortunately since my boobs are so small already, this will probably mean I'll be totally lopsided from now on. But I'm cool with that because then I'll kind of be like an Amazon.

The point of this post was that I want to raise awareness for breast health, I want you to know that if you feel something in your breast, you need to get it checked, I want you to CHECK your breasts and continue to check them. For some reason whenever I bring this up, people act strangely as if it is something to be ashamed of. Perhaps it's not the best topic for polite conversation but there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed concerning your boobs.
I was wondering all through today why it is that I have never heard of fibroadenoma before. One point is that because it is benign, and actually nothing to worry about, medical practitioners probably don't want women self-diagnosing. Because you could definitely be wrong, and putting your life at risk. But I'd also just like to raise awareness for the humble fibroadenoma because if I had known it existed, I wouldn't have spent all those nights crying waiting for my test results and just KNOWING that I had breast cancer. Because that's all you ever hear about - you've got a lump, it's cancer.

I'd also like to give what I believe the kids are calling "mad props" to all the women in the world who have elected to have double mastectomies. Although I'm not really of the mindset, I think a lot of women believe that breasts are intrinsic to your "womanhood", if you don't have breasts, you aren't a woman. And although I don't believe that at all, I know it would be incredibly hard to come to terms with no longer having breasts. I read recently about a woman who pre-emptively had a double mastectomy even though she was cancer-free because the rate of breast cancer in her family was so high it was pretty much certain for her. And in case anyone didn't know, the beautiful, awesome Christina Applegate recently had to undergo a double mastectomy to treat her cancer. I imagine these women are all the stronger for it.

Which brings me back to Amazon women and how in my mind, I like to equate breast cancer survivors to the awesome Amazons. In Greek mythology, the Amazons were an all-female nation of warrior women, a-mazos being Classical Greek for "without breast", as the warriors would have their right breast burnt or cut out to improve the aim of their bow or spear without getting a pesky boob in the way. They were fearless and strong - and that's what breast cancer survivors are.

I'd like to just end by sharing a few links to various breast cancer foundations and insitutes, which all need donations for research. Check out the pages, because they all have great information about where to go for breast screening, how to check your own breasts, information about risk factors, support for those with cancer, you name it, if you have boobs, you'll need to know it. And while I'm at it - when was the last time YOU had a pap smear?

Breast Cancer Australia - promotes awareness, does fundraising and offers patient accommodation.

Breast Cancer Network Australia - nationwide network of support for breast cancer patients, with all the information you could possibly ask for, also provides "My Journey Kits" for those newly diagnosed. Very comprehensive.

National Breast Cancer Foundation - the one you've probably seen the most of, with the pink ribbons and Sarah Murdoch as patron. Fantastic site, mostly built around fundraising - you can buy Pink products, donate, volunteer, bequest to the foundation in your will and also a brilliant idea - In Memoriam donations - where you request that instead of flowers at a funeral, the guests make a donation in memoriam.

Breast Cancer Insitute of Australia - You've probably donated before to this institute if you've ever bought any breast cancer merchandise from Avon. They're very well set up for fundraising and helping you hold your own fundraiser.

Breasthealth - I spent about half an hour getting sidetracked on this site while I was trying to write this blog. It's got great, comprehensive information and it's about "breast problems", not just cancer, so it covers fibroadenomas as well.

THIS is an Amazon warrior.

Thanks

I'd just like to extend a huge thank you to everyone who's been staying in touch with my blog - I'm really grateful you're all still here and urging me to keep writing.

I haven't been writing as often as I'd like - or at all for a week or so there - because I've been having a fucking hard time lately and my self-esteem is pretty much sapped. I wasn't really in any place in my head to write, let alone think or have any confidence in my opinions.

So please bear with me while I try to get back on the horse and figure out what I want to say.

Thank you all so much, and if you want, I'm always available for hugs.

In the meantime, here's a kitty.

Inspired by the furore of Matthew Johns

Situations that are Definitely Rape:

In case you have a hard time figuring it out, these are some situations that are Definitely Rape/Sexual Assault!

- Consenting to have sex with two footballers, and upon entering the bedroom, being forced to have sex with another eight.
- Consenting to perform oral sex on your partner, and then being forced to have intercourse even though you said no.
- When you tell your husband you do not want to have sex and he makes you do it anyway.
- Meeting a guy in a bar, kissing him, going back to his place and telling him that you do not want to have sex tonight, then he forces himself on you.
- Beginning to have consensual sex with your partner, realising you are not in the mood, or you are being hurt, telling your partner to stop, and they continue anyway.
- Getting so drunk at a party that some guy helps you back to a room to lie down, then has sex with you while you are too drunk to move or talk.

- Having sex with one guy, then having sex with his friend, not wanting to have sex with his third friend, but he forces himself on you anyway.

The common theme in all of these situations is that somebody GOT RAPED. Rape is not rough sex. Rape is about control. It is showing another person that you do not view or value them as a person. Sex is the means by which to control. Rape is not about sex.

'Sluts' are not free game because they had sex with numerous people consensually before. When someone says they do not want to have sex with you, at the point in time that you are requesting sex, you are not allowed to have sex with them. Victims of rape DO NOT have a responsibility to NOT GET RAPED. RAPISTS have a responsibility NOT to rape. It is the rapist's fault that he raped someone. Rape is not a mistake.

If you are genuinely worried that your sexual encounter with a woman could be misconstrued as rape I urge you to take a few moments to check a few things.
- Are you sober? Is she sober? Is she drunk? Is she drunker than you? Is she so drunk that you doubt her ability to answer a simple math problem such as "What does 1 + 1 equal"?
- So you're both sober huh? Have you both let each other know that you like each other, and in so many words, respect each other as individuals?
- Have you discussed having sex before? Did she expressly say that she was or was not interested?

- Oh, so you think you're about to have sex huh? Is she making noises and letting you know in no uncertain terms that yes, oh yes, oh dear me, I really would enjoy having sex with you! At this moment in time, I am consenting and asking your consent in return!....in so many words?

Basically, if you aren't getting Enthusiastic Consent, back the fuck off. And if you are truly afraid or unsure of how your sexual advances will be taken by a woman, perhaps you should try getting to know her and earning her trust before you think it's okay by any stretch of imagination to just have sex with her anyway.

Grow Up. You're Never Going To Be A Rock Star

I've written before about the theory that humans can only maintain friendships with up to 50 people, and I've felt like this all my life. Some people will let me get close, but ultimately, they never think of me the same way I think of them - they'll never truly let me into their life.

They already have their designated friends, and for a lot of people I know, they found all of those friends in high school - which brings me to my least favourite occurrence in the social world - the high school mentality.
I went to high school until half way through grade 9, then I left to do homeschooling and eventually got a full-time job. I got to experience life with adults, instead of cocooning myself in this world where adults and authority are the enemy, the other kids are cliquey and you and your friends are gonna be BFFs4LIFE. I'm pretty sure some people never leave high school in their minds. You think that these people who you were forced to be around 5 days a week, are the best people you'll ever meet, cause look at all the time you've spent together!
But I just think...how are you ever going to grow as a person unless you go out into the world and find new people? You don't even have to be friends with the new people, you just have to meet, talk to them, try to understand them, take away a part of them, remember them, sort through until you find ones that you really like, that challenge you and make you feel good about yourself. Truly, you know absolutely nothing about yourself when you're 17. I still know nothing about myself. But pushing people away isn't a good way to learn it.

I think the whole high school thing contributes to what I see as a lot of guys having trouble growing up. My coworker is always going on about how his wife is making him grow up, cause she's HAVING A BABY, and she WANTED TO GET MARRIED. I don't know what altered reality he's living in though, because I don't really know of many 12 year olds with a mortgage, a pregnant wife and a full time job. So get over it. You're a grown up. Act like one.
The worst part of guys acting like this is that it puts the entire burden of being "the responsible one" on their partner. Of course "being responsible" is usually translated by guys like this as "nagging". How is that fair?
This was most brilliantly illustrated recently in the movie Juno. The couple adopting Juno's baby eventually break up, because the guy falls in love with Juno, and decides to break up with his wife, and comes onto Juno. I'm pretty sure in most mainstream movies, everything would work out fine for the guy. But in this one, Juno rejects him and his wife tells him she can't wait around for him to become a rock star, because if she does that, she'll be waiting forever. It's a great moment, and really makes you realise how the onus was on her the entire time to be the responsible one - she never forced him into a family. He just never said no, and blamed her for pushing him the entire time.

So...that's the title of this post. And that's probably my favourite quote ever. Yeah, it's kinda depressing for those of us who do want to be a rock star. But of course you can be a rock star if you're willing to work at it. But you're not working at it when you're sitting on the couch with no pants on all day watching TV and complaining.
So grow up. You're never going to be a rock star.

This is what 20 looks like

I have now been alive for two decades.

I have learned that no matter how many people care for me, and how many people will help me out, I am always and will always be essentially alone. I am the only one who can make me change.

I am an emotional person. I am loyal, I care deeply, but I am stubborn. These things are who I am. Some people might say that being emotional is a drawback, that I shouldn't take things so seriously, but I refuse to be told that caring about things is a vice. I am a functioning human being, and I feel things, and I will never suppress my emotions.

I am alone. I don't really know where my life is heading, and I don't think about it often. I'm not sure what career I want, and to be honest, I feel apathetic about it. I'll figure out what I want to do, but I hate being pushed into things, and I hate that some people will push me and tell me to do things "before it's too late". There is no such thing as Too Late. I don't worry about getting the car, the house, the husband. I don't want that life at all. I see no shame in renting. I see no shame in just living day to day and seeking out the little things to make me happy. I see no rush to get married and whip up some children. My one goal to achieve in my life is to adopt children - to give some kids a home to feel comfortable in, and to know that someone does care about them.
But there will never be a Too Late for that.

There are a lot of things I wish I had done by now, but I still have a long time left to do them.

Sister Blister

Welcome to my new blog, you may have migrated over here from Zombietronics in which case, you are awesome, thanks for continuing to read what I have to say. I really do appreciate it.
If you're new, I hope you enjoy my future posts.
I stopped writing Zombietronics because I said a few things that offended some people in my life, and I don't want to apologise for things anymore. A lot of my readers were casual readers, and friends or family who were probably just reading because I'd asked them to. I felt that I was censoring myself a lot and basically I don't want to have to do that anymore. I think that I should be able to say what I want, and yes, maybe I should have continued to do it over there, but basically, I just wanted to start fresh. Because I like doing that. Zombietronics was my first attempt at blogging, and I'm keen to improve my writing style and content.

As for introductions - my name is Tash, I live in Brisbane, Australia, my birthday is actually next week and I will be officially no longer a teenager then, I work in an administration position for my parent's IT company, I am trying to study an IT course but I'm completely unmotivated at present, when I am not at work I'm most likely reading, I ENJOY spending the majority of my time in solitude and I find absolutely nothing wrong with that. I watch and obsess over films, I value my family more than anything else, I don't drive, I love to sing, when I get nervous I wring my hands and bite the inside of my mouth, I read the news a lot and it makes me depressed, but then I just play with my pet rat Reagan and everything is better. My favourite colours are green and purple, especially together, I have a 'cool sock' collection, I'm probably the only person in the world who really doesn't like swimming or the beach, I can't sleep unless there's a light on somewhere, when I grow up I want to be happy, I like rock n roll and I am a feminist.

The title of this blog - Sister Blister - is the title of an Alanis Morissette song that really means a lot to me. I've posted the lyrics below. The song describes how women compete with each other for the approval of men - even after all we've gained and acheived, we still fight to win in a patriarchy that will never let us truly win - it is all we know, and as long as we continue to live in such a world, it will always continue to happen. The message is that we need to stop sabotaging each other, the only way we'll ever have a chance to create gender equality is to work together. I love this message, because I will admit I have perpetrated this myself, and also been on the receiving end. We don't need to fight each other. There's already an entire world out there already keeping us back.

In this blog I will continue to talk about feminism and sexism, so if you're not interested or you "get sick of hearing about it", you should leave.
I will also wax lyrical about my life, the things that happen in it, the things that don't, the things I want, the things I need, things I've heard, things I've seen, and also about how awesome zombies and octopi are. If you'd specifically like me to address anything, leave a comment or write me an email, cause sometimes I get brain-dead for ideas and suggestions always help kick me into gear.

you and me we're cut from the same cloth
it seems to some we famously get along
but you and me are strangers to each other
cuz you and me:competitive to the bone

such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured
with the state this land is in

you and me feel joined by only gender
we are not all for one and one for all

sister blister we fight to please the brothers
we think their acceptance is how we win
they're happy we're climbing over each other
to beg the club of boys to let us in

you and me estranged from the mother
you and me have felt impotent in our skin
you and me have taken it out on each other
you and me disloyal to the feminine

such a pity to disavow each other with how far we've come
with how strong we've been

you and me are on this pendulum together
you and me with scarcity still fueling

sister blister we fight to please the brothers
we think their acceptance is how we win
they're happy we're climbing over each other
to beg the club of boys to let us in

we may not have priorities same
we may not even like each other
we may not be hugely anti-men
but such a cost to dishonor a sister

you and me have made it harder for the other
we forget how hard separatism has been
you and me we can help change their minds together
you and me in alignment until the end

sister blister we fight to please the brothers
we think their acceptance is how we win
they're happy we're climbing over each other
to beg the club of boys to let us in