In Your Head

I wish you would, could listen to me. I wish we could have a double-sided discussion, an open conversation, a talk where we were both contributing, and both listening.
I know that you 'aren't capable'. It's part of your Asperger's, you have no empathy, there is no reciprocity, you really just aren't interested in anything I have to say, and that doesn't mean anything to you. I listen to everything you tell me, all the things that mean nothing to me, all the things I'm not interested in, I ask you questions, I let you tell me, I let you know I've HEARD you. Because I know that's all I want. That's all anyone wants, when they share something. To be heard.
And to tell the truth, I love listening to you talk, even about all the things that go way over my head. I am interested in the things you talk about, because I want to have something to talk about with you. I love seeing your eyes light up while you're explaining something and watching things tick over in your head, and more than anything else in the world I love it when you laugh.

But I try to tell you about things I'm interested in and you go blank. You look away, you don't acknowledge me, you don't reply. Sometimes you don't even answer, or you answer back with something unrelated, and I know you weren't listening. It's why when I'm upset I shut my mouth and just cry, no matter how many times you ask what's wrong, I feel physically unable to speak. Because what's the use in saying anything if no one is listening?

I know it's not your fault. For the most part I don't think about it, this huge part of you, the reason you are the way you are. I used to think about it all the time and it hurt me so much because I couldn't understand why you couldn't just be NORMAL. I tried for so long to figure out what you were thinking, or how I could fix things, or why you thought that way, how I could make you understand me. But then I realised you are normal. You are you. Nothing's going to change, because you are you and that's that.
For the most part I try take you as you are, day by day, and I love you because I think you are perfect. I think how lucky I am that you come to me, and I'm the one you share things with.
But sometimes you say something, or you say nothing at all, and it stops me in my tracks that I can feel so alone while with you. I hate those moments when I'm reminded that we are so far apart from each other, alone together.

I wish I could be inside your head and I wish you could know me.